Hold my hand ..

I couldn't stop smiling from the time I had spotted him that day. He was almost the perfect guy. He was strong, intelligent, well-read, kind and had a good sense of humor . And fairly enough, I had a crush-type-of-a-thing on him . I wanted to make sure I looked alright before I got talking to him.

Not that he bothered even slightly, but I did not want to take a chance !

We hit a Barista after I insisted. He seemed to be lost in some thought. He wasn't quite the same person that I knew! Though he smiled a lot more than he did previously, he spoke differently. It felt as though he wanted to talk a lot but he was at a loss for words. Being the very articulate person that he was, this was strange! We talked randomly about different friends, movies , recession, real estate in bangalore and being down to earth . And then I told him how I felt that there was a difference in him .

He looked sharply into my eyes and looked away quickly. And he asked me if I believed in a single person having multiple personalities. I asked him if he meant some kind of a mental disorder !

He smiled slightly and I did think he looked quite good when he smiled. He went ahead and said that he felt like doing diametrically opposite things at the same time! It was a strange feeling, he mentioned, when he could easily see the action of two personalities simultaneously. While one personality wanted to reach out to all the ridiculous dreams and hopes and wishes and desires, the other personality would stand strong and think only about what made sense.

I heard every word he spoke. Even the nuances . The stress on different words .

I then asked him if it is not the same with everyone. Everyone had conflicting emotions and thoughts. The variation was probably only in the degree of conflict .

He smiled again . He said how his personalities were almost self-sufficient entities! If each of them had a different body, they would be well off on their own. It was more than just some contradictory emotions . And his botheration was about not being able to do justice to either of those two personalities with his single body ! He also asked me , 'who' exactly was bothering about not being able to do justice ? Was it one of the two personalities or was there another one !

The talk was getting heavier .But there were signs that it would rain. I asked him if he could drop me home.

I read a Kannada novel after a really long time. It was called "naayi neraLu" by S.L.Bhyrappa. Though I don't know if I believe in all that the story had to say about reincarnation, karma theory, beliefs and human relations , I quite liked the book. It was a nice read and I like Bhyrappa's style and his boldness sometimes!

Was just thinking on how sure one can be about one's decisions when there are a lot of things unknown . Decisions have to be made irrespective of whether things are known or not . Whether there is enough time or not . Whether there is happiness at the end of it or not .

I guess the purpose of all learning should be to enable someone to take the right decisions under a lot of such constraints.

A right decision being one which increases happiness.

Translucence

I don't like driving after it gets dark. Especially from my workplace to home. Its quite a long distance and it gets colder as I drive on . Also there are a few stretches of road which I don't like too much . So today when it became late to start from the company, I was feeling all laid back. I however decided to leave , took my stuff and started . My phone rang .


Me : Hello..
The other party : Hey listen.. This is A here. There is an emergency. B has met with a major accident and is admitted to Mallya Hospital. A few of us are here .
Me: What ! How is B now ? How did it all happen ?
A : B is still unconscious. How it happened is a long story. Can you come here now ?
Me : Oh yeah . What about B's parents ? Do they know ? Should I tell anyone else ....
A hung up the phone.

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My scooty's left mirror had become loose and had gotten twisted in a weird way and I couldn't use it properly. And so as I drove, I kept left throughout which meant that I had to drive very slowly. I was losing patience and my heart pounding . When I had to take a turn towards Victoria road from Airport road, there was a signal . As I stopped there fretting, this lady who was at a little distance on the footpath started walking towards me. She must have been about 50-55 years old. She looked anxious - as though she would cry at the slightest provocation. Or thats how she seemed .. in the dark . She asked me if I could drop her near lifestyle . I don't ever give lifts to anyone. Actually no one ever asked me till then ! As I was wondering whether I should say a yes, she told me how her husband was ailing and that she had to get to home soon to give him medicines, pointing to the small bag that she was carrying . The signal turned green and I did not have much time to think. I asked her to sit .


As I started driving ahead , trying hard to see the vehicles on my left through the right mirror, the lady started talking. She asked me if I worked. I said yes . And then she fell silent for a while and started talking loudly. She was telling about how girls who work like me are the reason for the older women to struggle. How her daughters and daughter-in-law had left her alone. I was beginning to get annoyed. And I suddenly realised how there were no pharmacies anywhere around where she was standing and also how there were no houses near lifestyle ! I started worrying about her intentions. Was she lying ? Simultaneous to this thought were the thoughts about B. Everything seemed to be happening in a daze . And I wasn't sure how I had to react to anything that was happening .
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When we reached lifestyle finally, I stopped. The cold had increased and I just wanted to get done with driving .
She (still on the scooty) : Where are you going ?
Me: Hmm... Somewhere ahead .
She : Are you going somewhere close to Mallya hospital ?
Me: Hmm... Why ?
She : My husband is at Mallya hospital . I wasn't sure if you would give me a lift till there. So I asked you till lifestyle. If you are going near there, can you drop me ? I really need to get there soon .
Me: Well, am sorry . But you have to get down here ..
I just thought that I would be better off with one lesser tension . I was already worrying too much about B.
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I really had a tough time managing without the left mirror. It was dark and the traffic was getting me impatient . As I entered the hospital, I suddenly remembered that I had taken my new phone number yesterday and that neither A nor B knew my number! I had given my number to just a few people and the chances of A getting it from any of them were nil . It hit me that I was probably tricked ! I called back the number from which I had got the call and my friend on the other side was laughing hard, celebrating the success of having fooled me !
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I was, sort of, relieved that nothing had happened to B! I was however quite irritated about having had to get so tensed. I walked back fast, again feeling weary about having to drive in the cold. I saw two ladies standing in the corridor. Tears in their eyes. As I could guess, someone close to them was dead . And I could hear them talk..
She1 : I don't know where she has gone . He was asking for her till the end !
She2 : He had her picture always .
As I walked past them, I got a good glimpse of the picture that the lady held in her hand.
And I froze ....

Break !

So like that its again time to take a break. Because its just been too much. Here and elsewhere !
Need some time now to gather all pieces back, organise, reorganise, do, undo, redo ...
I don't know if I would come back. Mostly I will . As I have seen in the past! But I don't know for sure ..
One of my friends' status message says this : "All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last"

See ya!