Thursday, March 27, 2008

Of the loose ends, blog histories and the break !

Well, I have had a lot of blogs which I abandoned for some reasons. My first blog was started sometime when I was in 3rd or 4th semester, I guess in 2005. One of my friends just mentioned to me that we can write blogs for free on rediff and bang, I immediately created one for myself!
I dont remember the URL now! But the blog was titled Reflections...I remember that very clearly for some reason (which I won't disclose anyway) ... I think I wrote 3 posts in that blog...
And stopped since I moved to indiatimes blogs! Because indiatimes had colorful templates and lot of people would read it.. That blog was called "Thoughts..More thoughts..." . That blog still exists! I saw it today after about 2 years! I felt surprised at the way I used to write a lot of personal stuff and also opinions very openly... A very teenager-ish blog that was {not that I claim the current one is very adult-ish...still..}
Again, I left that blog because I felt that it was not the kind of thing that I wanted to write!
I started another blog called "glorytoprogress" again on indiatimes. I was anonymous {wrote with the name "whyname"} and most people thought I was a guy :) I remember very well the topics that I wrote posts on... And all posts were heavy and I personally liked all of them very much. Those posts were like a collection of all my thoughts on various issues in an organised way.. But one day I got mad at one of my friends and I just deleted all the posts there! { there was some relation to the blog and the fight}
So after that for sometime I did not have a blog.. Then, I started one on blogspot...thequintessence.. I moved to the inthing since I liked this name very much !
I actually have posted a few posts from that blog on this.... So, from then on {I guess from an year or so} I have stuck to this blog !

While the above was an account of the official blogs , I have lost count of the secret blogs that I have started and left.. I did not have the perseverence to maintain so many of them ..And most of them were started impulsively to vent out some temporary thoughts/ frustrations/anxieties..

So if I look back, there are a lot of loose ends to those blogs and my thoughts associated with them.. The ends which I did not want to tie up .. Maybe because of my immaturity, impatience or perhaps laziness..

Now the reason why I am recounting those experiences is because a similar {if not same} situation has come up now ! Am planning to take a break from blogging, for a while ..
Again I have started feeling that this is probably not the kind of blog that I intended to write . As I had written in one of my earlier posts, why should I continue to write as a ritual ? If I cannot write like how I want to write, I better stop ..
I will take a break {hopefully small one}.. I will observe silence for a while, read a few books, play a few online games, listen to a lot of music, watch a lot of movies and serials and then probably will be back !
Maybe here.....maybe elsewhere ....
If this also seemed like a loose end, I would be happy ... I have always thought that, there should be loose ends..So that someday...someday you will go back and tie them up ! Even if its wishful thinking !

See ya :)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

On clarity..

Lack of clarity and thus inability to take a step ahead has been one of the problems that I frequently encounter. Sometimes, the questions that need to be answered or the problems that have to be solved seem very overwhelming. This thought that the situation is overwhelming itself demotivates me to think rigorously about it.
So I , sort of, get immersed in the complexities (sometimes, seeming complexities) and start thinking about things in a very hazy manner. And I get used to this haziness .
I think the best way to attack this problem is to modularize. Split the big hazy problem, say, "How do you win a nobel prize" into smaller problems.. Go top down, identify the linkages till the most basic level of what you should do tomorrow about it .
Many a times, it is easier said than done. It is simple to say, modularize the problem and then think of a solution. But the fact that the problem is hazy itself means that there are probably no clearly identifiable modules in that. Probably there is no easy way to split it.
In such a case, maybe a bottom up approach helps ? Perhaps a good way to get grip on the problem is to start off thinking from a point which is tangible and looks as a best approximation to the final problem.
Now while we proceed bottom up, it is always necessary to have the big picture in mind ..
(will be continued)

Friday, March 21, 2008


Why be so vain, I ask myself .. Why the deliberation to add to vanity.. Why the stress to somehow make a point ! If you can't make a point, just don't . It is better than being vain ..
Sometimes, you can't communicate everything by nuances. You might have to speak out, loud and clear and make yourself heard .. Even if it is just you who is hearing!
What will happen to Tibet ? Was just thinking if Tibet would really be good if it got freedom {the so-called} What are Dalai Lama's intentions....
There are certain times in life when you just sit and ruminate about your inabilities to go anywhere from where you are. Not all those ruminations result in any change. Most of them don't.
But there will be other times in life, when you just can't keep thinking and day-dreaming . When you can't delude yourself into thoughts of self complacency....When you have to stand up to take an action... When you know that you will wither away if you don't do anything to improve the status of your life

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Okay... So, one large wide road... A windy day.... Lots of vehicles plying on the road.... But very few people on the pavements.... Two people- a girl and a guy - walking not very quickly, not very slowly either.. After a while, something unwarranted happens. Both of them will live to regret it ...


Years back I had a sort of existential depression. A gnawing question as to , why live ? That was when I was in high school.. I used to get super marks, read up books way before they were taught in class, watch tv, play volleyball, act in dramas, write dramas and still be left with so much time to wonder about , why live ! And now, I dont do anything that interesting. But I hardly have time to even think, am i living !


World should have been black and white.. Good and Bad...Pretty and Ugly....There should have been clear difference between "bad" and "good"... Then life would have been much much more simpler. Now there are just shades...One color fades to other color to another color... There is neither an end nor a beginning... Nothing is good or bad, black or white....Everything gray... And confusing, misleading and sometimes depressing ..

I am damn sleepy

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sand and stones

All that I was, when I did not want to be what I was , seems to be wantable now. Call it life coming one full circle ? Not so soon probably. They say, giving up is the most easiest thing to do. Probably true in a relative sense. But giving up is not a solution indeed. Sometimes we just don't need solutions, we just need some transient peace, a feeling that things will get better tomorrow.. That we are not lost, at least not totally, and that we will find our goals and meet them or that we will still be good without having goals ... That people who we care about, will think about us the way we want them to and that people about, whom we have stopped caring about, would understand it and that we are right in what we decided about, whom to care about and not ..

They say, life is simple and beautiful ! Why would they ? Life is rife with events which are always changing --blue-black--royal-- navy-- turquoise ? What did they say about the vibrant colors and all that ? Did they mean anything or did they just let these expressions afloat ? After so much ado about life what is it that we get ? They also say introspection brings in some salutary changes .. Maybe it does ...And I read somewhere...'Maybe' is a nice word!

This wont go for long.. All struggles will end ...sometimes nicely sometimes not so nicely...but they end and that is probably the only solace.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

I don't read no M&B

Dear S,
I know you wouldnt expect this from me, even slightly. I am writing this to you to tell you all that has been happening with me since we have started speaking. When it all started, I had rated you as just anyone, as a person who is trying to flirt around, trying luck with different people. So, i never really took you serious. But as we went ahead, your patience surprised me. I grew intrigued by your perseverance to help our friendship grow. S, did you know that, my heart skipped a beat when I saw you the first time ? Something which I thought would never happen to me in a lifetime! Did you know that I was looking at you continuously, trying to read and understand your thoughts, when you talked ? I know you werent looking at me then! {thank goodness! }. I am developing a strange desire of talking to you , being with you, caring for you, wishing that you too should think the same about me. I am feeling tempted to break away from my self created boundaries and restrictions to experience a whole new life with you. You came into my life as freshness, as a feeling that refuses to get over, a moment which magically expands to encompass a grand lifetime, a celebration! I just hope {touchwood*} that you feel what I am feeling for you and fill in me the courage to make both of our lives better and happier.

Hmmm! I wish I could write such a letter to someone :P But the sad part is, I dont believe even half of what is written there! I like such writings only for the artisitic ways of glorifying emotions. I dont know if such emotions are a reality if we consciously think about them. Maybe they come into mind in a sort of dreamy state. But when we are consciously thinking about any events or people, we dont really feel these emotions as being real!

{Old post }

Thursday, March 13, 2008


She : Have you ever felt that you are so ordinary ? Just not very good about yourself ? Drained out of all passion and motivation to do anything at all ?
He: No,never at all !
She: Have you ever felt bored and wretched and not being able to do anything properly? A feeling that you are not in a position to make out how to get out of such a thought?
He: Well, not anytime that I remember..
She: Uh ! I sure hate you

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Untitled ;)

Nothing feels better than getting drunk ;)

{Or, so I think ? )

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


How do you make life interesting ?

Sunday, March 02, 2008


It took more than just effort for her to get away from the haunting noises. She had volunteered to get into that. And thus she had to take up the responsibility of all the suffering on herself.
Not that she disowned her responsibilites, but this one wasnt an elevating one. However, there wasnt much choice for her.
But once she was out of it, with effort and more than effort, she was relieved. She wanted to feel the silence. The thoughts, the fears, the risk-fearing self all seemed very dear to her then. She almost regretted what she had done, not completely so. Life had taught her to take things in her stride and to be accomodative to her own self, to be accepting , to own up the failures and the not-so-correct decisions .. And thus, she did not regret.
She almost knew all her wishes would not get fulfilled. She knew that she would not go behind getting all of them fulfilled. She knew that she could, if she wanted to.. But she was unsure if she wanted to go behind all the wishes at all.. There was also a parallel thought ..Were her wishes inconsistent ?
She felt good, strangely so. Happiness was a loaded word to use then. The feeling bordered around a sense of relief with a tinge of pain and a flavor of uneasiness. She heaved a sigh of hope .. a hope of being more rational, more mature , more patient and more understanding about her own self !